The Battle Within

This morning I woke up with a stabbing pain in my stomach. Bent over like a man three times my age, I hobbled my way downstairs. Thinking it was dehydration, I drank more than a few large gulps of filtered water. No improvement. “Maybe I am just hungry,” I thought as I slathered my hot pancake with peanut butter and syrup (yes, a fancy breakfast like that should alert you that Andrea has returned home from her time in the States – PRAISE GOD!). Although the doctored pancake filled me up pretty well, it didn’t do anything by way of soothing the stabbing pain which now seemed to be spreading out from a clear epicenter directly behind the lowest rib on my left side.

 

Having suspected the onset of an intestinal illness (ie. giardia) a week or two ago, I couldn’t rule this out as its full force attack on my GI track. And so, I pulled out our trusty bag of papaya seeds - a natural and quite effective weapon against a variety of GI combatants. The dose at breakfast, however, did very little to improve things. In fact it only seemed to get worse as the morning wore on. Running out of options by the time lunch rolled around, I took a second (bigger) dose of papaya seeds, and then I laid down in bed as the little knives continue to bore their way through my innards. “Dear Lord, what in the world is going on in there?!?” I cried out, wishing that he would flip some reset button and let it all pass (quite literally). Somewhere around 3pm I started to notice a change, the epicenter of pain started to move – side to side, and gradually down. Was this the medicinal chemical of the papaya seeds fighting the good fight as it worked its way through my system, or just a nasty air bubble seeking a way of escape? I couldn’t tell, but the slight relief in pain allowed me to fall asleep somewhere around 3:15.

 

Sleep was short lived as my phone rang just before 3:30. Half dazed I answered the call and walked out of our room where Andrea, Micah and Grace were also sleeping. As I navigated my way through the culturally-required greetings, I realized something: I was standing straight for the first time all day…and that without any pain. I pressed on some of the previously sensitive areas…nothing! The battle within had finished sometime while I slept! And little did I know at that time, another, more important battle was just then wrapping up as well. “Your document is finished!” the voice on the phone told me. Praise God! We had been waiting for this important annual document to be processed ever since our last one expired on the first of April. When I hung up the phone, I let the good news wash over me.

 

It had been more than two and a half months of waiting, two and a half months of extra stress on top of trying to manage our normal lives. In some senses, the finishing of this document could be viewed as a battle won, no doubt in answer to many people’s prayers. But at the same time, I don’t like seeing this battle as occurring between two opposing peoples. I honestly believe the gov is doing their best to create reasonable and consistent expectations for licensed organizations and the rationale behind their new regulations is often clear and fair. So, in my mind, the battle is not against them. No, the battle that raged most fiercely, like the GI assailant of this morning, was a battle within – a battle for faith.

 

In the end of March, I was informed of two major roadblocks to the renewal of our document. One was outside of my control, but the second ball was very much in my court – I needed a “supporting letter” processed through the authentication process back in the States. When I first enquired about authenticating this supporting letter, I was told that it would take a minimum of three-weeks. Unfortunately, I had only one week before I needed it in my hands. To make a long story ridiculously short, God opened seemingly impossible doors and bounced that document from office to office, from Dallas, to Austin, to Washington DC, finishing it in less than three days! We praised God for how he was so clearly orchestrating a miracle and so I became very vocal about how I fully expected God to remove the second roadblock and complete the process in a timely manner. All to his glory! Well, days and weeks passed with no such good report, and my colorful celebration party balloons soon sank to the floor.

 

Why would God do something amazing to overcome one obstacle, only to leave its companion hung out to dry? Where is the joy in having my “miracle” supporting letter processed in a record time, only to have us sit on it for two months before it has any value? It’s as if God was answering our prayers for these obstacles with a bold, “Yes, I can do it…but, no, I don’t want to.” And believe me, THAT is a hard place to be in, especially when I see it negatively affecting my family and the work I believe HE called us to! Thankfully, I am not the first person to have been in such a situation. In fact, one of my favorite OT prophets, Habakkuk, was also confused at why an all-powerful, an all-knowing, and an all-loving God was doing what he was doing. Habakkuk had the boldness to approach God with his “why” questions, which are really just cleverly-disguised accusations (Hab 1:3, 13). And in response, God gave an entirely true and entirely sufficient answer, “I do what I do because I am God and I alone have that right.” Hearing that same answer these past few months hasn’t been easy, but it is my prayer that I may arrive with Habakkuk at the only appropriate conclusion, “No matter what happens, even when I don’t understand why, I will continue to praise and trust in my God!”

 

Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. (Hab 3:17-18 NIV).