A New Model

The battle begins…that is, the father’s battle to balance time between work and family. Let me explain what I’ve been challenged by during these past two weeks of vacation (the equivalent of a paternity leave). It’s not so much a new concept, it’s just seen with new significance. I, like most men, have an innate desire to accomplish things so that at the end of the day/week I can look back on all that I’ve checked off my to-do list. When my check marks are many, I feel like I am making a contribution and moving toward a goal. I think that this is how many men are wired.

 

Well, these past two weeks have shown me that parenthood does not fit well into the “to-do list” model. The hours that I spent holding my child as he drifts in and out of sleep, what was “accomplished” there? Answer: Nothing measureable. The 3am times when I, half wake, escort my fussy son to the family room in order to allow the rest of our household to sleep, how can I check that off a to-do list? Even doing the laundry. It is not at all satisfying to put laundry on a to-do list because, in the world of cloth diapers, it reappears almost as soon as it’s erased. So my head hits the pillow and I run through my day - changed a diaper, put him down for naps, washed the dishes, wrote update emails to family, took pictures, mopped the floor, fixed the sink, made some Endomi (the Arabic version of Ramen noodles), finally made it to bed…what was really accomplished that day? What got crossed off the to-do list? Toward what goal did I take an identifiable step closer?

 

The nature of parenthood, at least at this stage, shows the inadequacy of such questions and the whole to-do list model that is seemingly hard-wired onto our y-chromosome. The work environment thrives on to-do lists, accomplishing tasks, and moving toward well defined goals. That’s why, I believe, many men can easily pour themselves into their jobs. But when you take the to-do list model home from the office, men often feel unproductive and unfulfilled.

 

I know there are probably some wonder fatherhood books out there that state this same point yet so much more eloquently, but such lessons are much more fun to discover and think through on my own than to read them in some book. So, to conclude my thoughts, while the “to-do list” model belongs at the workplace, another model, which I would call the “investment” model, feels right at home in the home.  Spending time with Micah, helping Andrea get needed rest, pitching in with the necessary chores, and even changing diapers are all investments into the multifaceted entity called a family. None of these actions, by themselves, carry a significant reward and none of them will be singled out and credited for some great accomplishment, but all such investments, though individually forgotten, will, down the road, pay dividends in a healthy, safe, and God honoring family. And that’s about as significant an accomplishment that I could ever dream of!